Places in the HeartIndex | Time Under Chaos | Game Logs | PreGameLogs | Places in the Heart After leaving Claudio, Helena visited all the usual places Amba might be, looking for her: training grounds, where her classes were held in Hendrake Ways, Papingo Terrace... She finally found her on the spire in her ways that she called her own. Suspended more than a mile in the air, Amba thought of the shard of shadow as her retreat. It was quite beautiful this time of day~exotic plants ringed the plateau of stone at the top of the spire, and a small bungalow sat at one end of the area. At the other end was an area that was not for the faint of heart~ was an observatory that let Amba look out into the swirling mass of shadow that formed the skies of Heldtways to gain inspirations for her paintings. She had moved her artwork to this grafted on bit of shadowstuff when she had a sword dancing field put in where she had formerly painted. It was a small, 5x5 affair, very simple, being outlined by perfectly round white stones on soft sandy ground. The center square usually had some sort of swirl in it that she refreshed after every time using the field; the self-coloring sand lent itself very well to this. Though most couldn't reach the spire without some manner of help, Amba had long ago shown Helena the twist of shadow in the standard apartment she kept in the more traditional areas of Hendrakeways, so she had complete access. It was a sign of her state of mind that she was here—she stayed in Hendrakeways more than ever now that she had classes all the time. When Helena entered, Amba's back was to her. She was kneeling in the middle square, her legs crossed beneath her. It was a quite uncomfortable looking position, but Amba claimed it was relaxing, and had the added benefit that she could spring to her feet from the position at the slightest provocation. She had changed, and was in simple white cotton flared bottom pants, and a white tank top. Her hair was bound behind her, and her feet were bare. She made no move at Helena's entry, though she was sure that Amba knew she was there. Helena chewed on her bottom lip momentarily, then slipped off her shoes and padded over. She sat down beside Amba, in the same position, and exhaled. "You're upset by Pavlo," she said without preamble. Amba was silent for the longest time, merely sitting, looking out into the nothingness. Then finally she softly exhaled a breath. "No," she said, a bit detachedly. "If he makes you happy, that's all that matters." "That is the biggest bullshit answer," Helena snapped back. "You're denying being angry, and already convincing yourself that I'm going to do something insane like leave you—my partner, my friend, my lover—for a cousin that I barely know. Why? Why do you have such a low opinion of yourself?" Helena held up her hand before Amba could reply. "All right, I know why you have such a low opinion of yourself, but I wish you would reach into that very rational part of your brain and have it tell your irrational self to take a hike, you know?" Amba shook her head, sadly. "That's not it," she said. She finally looked at Helena. There was still sadness there, but also serenity—nothing like when she saw her earlier. "I truly meant what I said. I acted irrationally at first, I know." She bit her lip as she looked down, a stray lock of hair falling in her face. "But if you like Pavlo, that's nice," she said after a pause, one eye covered by her hair, the other one glittering with moisture. She took in a deep breath, then slowly let it out. Forcing herself to look back up and meet Helena's gaze, she said, slowly, "What...pains me...is that you didn't tell me. I had to learn second hand...from Crygst of all people." She let her head fall again as her voice fell. "I don't know why that had to be. I don't know why you wouldn't...share this with me." Helena exhaled and rubbed at her eyes with the heel of her hands. "Because I had no intention of replacing you with him. Because we'd never talked about being exclusive. Because it's only a fling. Because I wanted to avoid a situation exactly like the one we're in right now." "I never said anything about exclusivity or replacing me, or even it only being a fling," she said, her voice still soft. She looked up at Helena. "It seems like the exact way to avoid this situation would have been to tell your friend." She cocked her head to the side, the errant lock of hair falling out of her eye. "If we weren't involved, would you have told me?" Helena didn't answer for a moment, looking down at her hands. "I suppose I would have, if you'd meant less to me. I think the reason I didn't is because I felt guilty—on some level it felt like a betrayal, even though we'd never talked about being exclusive. I was conflicted trying to reconcile what I felt and what I perceived the situation to be and so I dealt with the whole thing by not dealing with the whole thing. "I'm sorry." Amba was quiet as she closed her eyes,then she shifted, moving so that she was facing Helena. Taking her friends hands in her own, she said, "And I meant what I said—I just want you to be happy. He makes you happy? Pavlo?" Helena also shifted and turned so she faced Amba. "Pavlo...is fun. Being with a man is...different. There's something... I just realized why... " She stopped suddenly and shook her head to clear the thoughts, her expression stricken, as if there was something more she didn't want to think about or acknowledge. "I don't want to hurt you... I don't want to lose you... Amba..." Tears filled Helena's eyes and spilled down her cheeks. She took a shuddering breath and started to cry. Amba was curious as to what Helena was going to say, but even more than that, she saw that her friend was in pain, and moved to embrace her. "You can't lose me," she said, on the verge of tears herself. "You'll never lose me." Helena hugged her back fiercely, not letting go. "I'm so stupid," she said between gulps of air, her shoulders still quivering. "I don't want to screw everything up." "No, never," Amba replied instantly. "You've been there for me at my worst, and I can't tell you how much that means for me. I truly just want you to be happy," she said pulling back so she could see Helena's face. "I'll always be here, no matter what," she finished. Helena wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand and sniffled. "I can't tell you how much it distressed me to think I'd hurt you, that I'd lost you. Gods..." She closed her eyes and rested her forehead against Amba's. "I'll always be here no matter what, too. You have a permanent residence in my heart. Permanent. Always." After a moment Helena looked up and kissed Amba with a lover's kiss, tender and soft. She rested fingertips on Amba's lips as she sat back, then let her hand fall. "This works both ways, you know. I want you to be happy too, and I want you to feel free to let others in, if you like. "Claudio has his eye on you, for instance. As does the good Doctor Corrino I think, though I'm not as sure about his intentions. Or..." An impish smile crossed Helena's face. "Or you can join Pavlo and me. That could be interesting." Amba's mouth fell open as she took a breath in surprise. "You're bad," she said, the first smile since Helena had come lighting up her face as she shook her head. Her sudden smile elicited a laugh from Helena. "No," she said when she was able to speak. "I ... am happy," she said. "And ... busy," she added after a moment. "Don't worry about me. I'm fine. I'm just ... glad ... we talked." "Amba... Are you sure you're all right? You seem...distant. Like there's something you're not telling me." "No," she said, shaking her head. "Really, I'm fine. I was just thinking about how I'm ever going to go back to the field again." She stood, offering her hand to Helena to help her up. "But I'm fine." "Screw Crygst. If he looks at you wrong, we'll both beat him up," Helena replied, smiling as she took Amba's hand and stood, not letting it go. "It's not just him," she said. "Actually, it's not him at all. It's everyone. I drew ... quite a crowd." "You know sword dancers--always looking for the new thing. Tomorrow someone will do or say something and that will be all the talk. It will blow over, I promise." Helena raised Amba's knuckles to her lips and kissed them. "I've missed you," she explained. "Do you have time?" "For you?" she asked, playfully. "Always." Helena smiled and linked arms with Amba, leading her back to the bungalow. |
