The Cure for the PainWhen he first left the cemetary, he had planned to go home and get some sleep. He was bone tired physically and felt utterly drained emotionally. But in his haze, he'd wandered the streets, awareness only coming back to him as he heard the staccato exhalations of someone hard at work in Le Lycée. He changed in silence, the rhythmic breaths of exertion lulling him back into a haze as he ran the maze he'd made in his mind for the thousandth time. As he walked into the training hall, he stopped on the stairs that led down to the main floor and watched her in motion. Before, he'd only touched the state he knew she was in a few times. But the unique concentration that he had to adopt to safely manipulate the Logrus made that state all too familiar to him, and made him more attuned to others in that deadly fugue state. He could see the invisible partner she danced with, and see her every move even as she did it- his mind communicated to his eyes, rather than the other way around. Not really aware of what he was doing, he brought his own blade up and slid into the place of her partner, his consciousness diving into that howling void, his stockinged feet almost floating across the smooth wooden floor. It wasn't a mirror, for each action's counter was not in perfect opposition. clack. Their blades came together with precision, not only blocking but deflecting. Clack. Unannounced by any signal between them- Clack- their speed began to increase. Clack. The finely crafted wood- Clack- of their blades- Clack- cut through the air- Clack- with terrible noises as- Clack- their speed increased- CLACK- as did the force behind the blows. CLACK. The silence- CLACK- of the early- CLACK- morning was- CLACK- destroyed as- CLACK- they- CLACK- moved- CLACK- in- CLACK- counterpoint- CLACK- - reality came crashing back in as pain exploded along his ribs from the full force hit he took across his chest - - but the exertion and the pain made his mind quiet - But into that place, Kel roared. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" Cynwyd didn't answer immediately, his blade falling to the ground in a clatter as he put his hand to his chest. Almost instantly she was there, her touch gentler than he would have imagined after that outburst. "Dammit," she said, helping him over to the stairs and sitting him down. Pain blossomed again as she put pressure on his chest. He coughed, which made the pain worse, making her pronouncement that his ribs were only deeply bruised one that he would take issue with if he could. But, though he saw her lips moving through the grey haze, the pain still caged his mind and body. "...but my question still stands," he heard as his vision returned to normal and he could hear again, "what the hell were you doing? That was bloody brilliant! Then you intentionally missed the block- just like that day with Cole..." He looked up at her, his expression bleak and empty. "How do you do it?" he asked, bereft as the shards of his thoughts started to torment him again. A heavy breath passed over Kel’s teeth, like an autumn wind against granite tombstones. Her voice remained dispassionate, speaking from a distant place and time. “’Against abominations, we organize our defenses on the principle that one strong and able mind can shield the many.’” She shrugged, sitting on the stair beside him. “Prince Benedict told me that after the Battle of Armada. I’d killed my first man that night. Many men, in truth. We used their bodies to build ramparts. As well as the bodies of our comrades. Any thoughts of glory and honor I may have had from my training were erased in the first hour. And as the sun cut across the ocean, giving us the first true glimpse of the horrors, I felt myself falling into the abyss. Benedict's words brought me back from that edge. He made me realize what it meant to be a soldier.” Kel turned her gaze on him. For once, he could see the woman, rather than the Commander. “When we pick up a blade, our lives end. We make the conscious choice to give up what is ours, so others may live. We struggle against the darkness, so others may exist in the light. And once we’ve accepted it, we can never shirk that responsibility.” She rest a gentle hand on his knee, “When you falter in the face of abominations - and you will, as we all do - ask yourself this question. Would you sacrifice another to be in your place?” He was quiet for a long moment, before looking down. "There was a Shadow," he said, his voice low. "No mercy," he continued, struggling to get the words out. "I told myself that for exactly the reasons that you said." "In the end, I killed it, and it was a woman. A victim, just like all the others." He looked up, his gaze empty, as he was stuck in his mind, seeing her again as if it had just happened. "Death I don't fear. But what if, in fighting abomination, an abomination we become?" His mind wandered back to that day, long ago, when he had stared into the nothingness. And the truth he'd taken from that experience. "If you gaze into the Abyss, the Abyss also gazes into you." “We must do questionable things, even when we serve the Greater Good,” Kel agreed. “But it is the moment that we stop questioning them that we have lost our way. When we toss aside our regrets, our doubts, we become little more than beasts. Worse, perhaps. You must hold onto whatever is dearest to you, even when your hands are covered in blood.” She leaned back, tilting her head. “You know my past with your kind. Tell me, true. But do you believe I took pleasure in doing my duty?” "I think you took pleasure in the fact that you were doing your duty, but not the act. It was just something that had to be done," he replied almost instantly. "I mean, you don't take pleasure in taking out the trash, but it is satisfying keeping the house clean, so it's something that you have to do." Kel gave a wry laugh, “Yes, that is true. Very succinctly put. I relished the opportunity to serve Amber, and still do. But I recognize the cost of my actions, as well. I tempered them how I could, lest I become the monster of which you speak. It is a hard balance to maintain when one’s business is death. “But I know there are those who do not view their duty as I do. Coteaz, for example. He enjoys the act, and hides his crimes behind duty.” Cynwyd stiffened at the name of the BlackCloak commander. "Him," he said, the tension in his flat tone palpable. "It seems that many know his nature, but none can do anything about it. And the citizens of Amber suffer for it." He forced himself to relax as he continued. "How might one peel the veneer of duty from his actions, exposing him for the monster he is? For I have a distinct notion that he is directly responsible for our captain's current predicament." “We’re working on that,” Kel admitted. “But he is as tenacious as a mountain tick, worming under Amber’s skin and feeds off its fears. Many remain loyal to Eric’s vision, even if the Unicorn has chosen our current King. They believe a man like Coteaz can bring back that glory, and care little about his methods. Tread carefully near that one, Cynwyd.” She steeples her fingers, resting her chin upon them. “Prince Benedict may know more. I could write to him. But his political power is limited. Mostly by choice.” "I don't blame him," Cynwyd said. "Politics is something that I dislike also." "But... Amber needs him. And the people need him. Wasn't there something in Civics about the responsibility of the rulers to those that are ruled?" He looked at her, his eyes haunted. "The things I've seen... the things he's done...no one sane can say that those things are necessary, right, or just." He brought his hand up, slowly closing it. "He uses them... the people, the lifeblood of Amber. And crushes them," he finished, his knuckles turning white with the force he applied to his fist. "They can't defend themselves, so it falls to us, right?" he asked, searching her eyes. Kel nodded, her gaze cool as a winter pond. “Yes, that is true. However, there is another philosophy that states that by serving the helpless, we in turn perpetuate their weakness. That until they recognize their infirmity and attempt to overcome it themselves, they will forever live as slaves to their own limitations. Even if, in doing so, they fail and die. One cannot always be the hero to the masses. Sometime ~they~ must take the stand against injustice.” Cynwyd's expression dropped a bit as she talked, his elation at knowing that Coteaz wasn't operating with approval quickly falling to the fact that this burden still seemingly laid at his feet. A low sigh escaped her. “Prince Benedict balances his life between both philosophies. And he is not Ruler. That responsibility falls upon King Random. If Benedict acts without his approval, even to the King’s benefit, it could lead to discord. That is, after all, what Coteaz does now, is it not?” His sigh mirrored hers as he looked up... Osric chuckled mirthlessly <She knows my brother well.> <Yes, she does,> he thought, his expression brightening up. "You know the Prince well," he said, mirroring Osric's words as a thought came to him. "What *could* get him involved?" "As you said, its a balancing act," he continued, his words spilling out as fast as he could form the thoughts. "If something is added to one side of the scale, he'd have to act, by his own philosophy, correct? So what to add?" “If it can be proven that Coteaz’s actions will undermine Amber’s defenses, beyond a shadow of a doubt” she replied. “Produce or find evidence of this, and he will intervene; even if the King sees otherwise, for whatever reason. As I said, he does not have a head for politics. It is one of his weaknesses, I fear. He sees the table and pieces, but not the players.” Kel straightened her back, “I will write to him. At the very least, he can be made aware of the threat. Then, we must determine how to proceed from there.” "Maybe 'we' shouldn't include you," Cynwyd ventured. "We need more than one contingency in case things go to the Abyss," he continued. "And since we're apparently already on his radar and you are more established- not to mention the fact that you've already bled for and fought alongside the Royals, you should continue that angle, while we try to get you what you need to move Prince Benedict." Kel tilted her head, narrowing her inscrutable gaze. After an agonizing silence, she jerked a nod. “Very well. But do not hesitate to come to me, if you need my assistance. Either of you. You are members of my martial family. And I will not turn my back on my brothers. Is that understood, Cynwyd?” He nodded. "And thank you for your trust," he added after a moment. Then, before he could say anything stupid, he nodded once more, and turned to leave. She allowed him to leave without further comment. But he could feel her eyes on him every step of the way. And even after that. |
